Funeral Etiquettes

• Every soul shall have a taste of death ( 3:185 )
• The death from which you flee will truly overtake you ( 62:8 ) 

If thou couldst see, when the angels take the souls of the Unbelievers (at death), (How) they smite their faces and their backs, (saying): "Taste the penalty of the blazing Fire - ( 8:50 )

 

Khabbab reported that he asked "O 'Abdullah Ibn 'Umar! Did you hear what Abu Hurairah says? He says that he heard Allah's Messenger, saying. 'Whoever leaves his house to attend a funeral prayer, offers funeral prayer, and then follows the funeral procession until the body is buried will receive two kerats of reward, each of which is like the mountain of Uhud. And whoever offers the funeral prayer and then leaves for home will get a reward like the mountain of Uhud" (Muslim). Ibn 'Umar sent Khabbab to 'Aishah asking her about the statement of Abu Hurairah. She said, "Abu Hurairah has told the truth." When Ibn ' Umar was informed about this he said, "We have indeed lost many a kerat."

• We are living in the West, so inevitably there will be non - muslims attendees ( relatives or friends of the deceased ) who may not be familiar with the protocols. As a general rule women are excused from attendance. But if you do, dress code is important; as modest as possible & preferrably with a scarf / headcover. You will find the male muslim reluctant to shake hands with you. This is not because they are rude but it will break their ablution status obligatory for the prayer, as well as the general prohibition of inter-gender contact when one is not related.
• Don't hang around "talking shops." There is a " deceased " there whose hereafter status is unknown to you and may on the mercy of Allah (swt), benefits from your supplications. If you do have to converse, talk about his / her good deeds. Probably not a good idea to joke or laugh out loud. Remember it is also time to reflect on our own mortality.
• Some of us have the habit of saying loud recitations when carrying the casket or following the procession. It's not sunnah. Recite softly or in " your heart. "
• Those carrying should recite: Bismillahir rahmanir rahim.
• Those following should recite: Lailahaillalahu muhammadur rasulullah
• The janazah prayer is not a time to argue about protocols eg number of rows etc. Just follow the Imam. As a general rule try to make 3 rows. If more people are present, then further odd numbers of rows are recommended. For those not praying, don't loiter around in front of the congregation. You are welcome to stand in the back in silence.
• The female folks are advised not to wail. Weeping for the dead is permissible but loud crying / wailing are certainly out. "A dead person is tormented by the wailing of the living."
• What happens at the grave side?
  • Familiarise oneself with the doa / greeting when visiting the graveyards
  • Again " small talk " is out of place here. Focus on the good deeds of the deceased or condolences to the family.
  • The casket is best placed on the Qibla side of the grave, so those in the grave will be also facing the Qibla when the shrouded deceased is lowered to them for placement in the grave. There are several transmitted traditions on how to lower the deceased, but again the grave side is not a place to argue about it.
  • The number of persons receiving the mayat in the grave for burial preferably be odd in number: 1, 3 or 5.
  • Western cemeteries are aligned in an East-West direction. At Queen St, Southport, the Muslim section is fortunate enough to have a North-South alignment. The shrouded deceased should be placed on his R side so that his whole body ( not only face ) is facing the Qibla. Then the ribbons binding the kafn / shroud are loosened.
  • When placing the mayat to rest on the earth, read:
    • 1. Bismillahi wabillahi wa’ala mil-lati Rasulullah. ( In the name of Allah and in the faith of the Messenger of Allah ) Or
    • 2. Bismillahi wabillahi wa’ala sunnati Rasulillah ( In the name of Allah, and in accordance with the tradition of Allah's Messenger )
  • It is common to see that once the " covering planks " are in placed, the shovels are grabbed and shovelling started. But the transmitted traditions advised each mourner grabbed handfuls of soil 3x and scattered it, beginning on the " head side " of the grave while saying the following verses. Once everyone has done that, then the shovelling can start followed by the tractor dropping its load directly. The height of the "hump" should not exceed about 25 -30 cm. It is sunnah to place simple " tombstones " at the head and feet of the grave. It is also recommended to water lightly the top of the grave to settle the filled-in soil, from the head to the leg side thrice.
  • If the Imam is there, just follow the Imam. If not what are we to do. The transmitted traditions point out several guidelines.
  • Muhammad ibn Ahmad al-Marwazi said: -- I once heard Ahmad ibn Hanbal say, 'Whenever you enter a cemetary, recite the Opening Chapter of the Book, the Two Refuge-taking Chapters, and Say: He is God, the One. Make the reward of all this over to the people of the cemetary, for it will reach them.'
  • After the burial recite Surah Fatiha, and the first five verses ( 2:1-5 ) of Surah Baqara at the " head side " of the grave then the last two verses ( 2:285-286 ) read at the ' feet side." Individual as well as collective Du'a is permissible, preferrably facing the Qibla.
  • After burial, sit at the graveside for the duration of slaughtering a camel and distributing its meat, and that during that time the mourners busy themselves with reciting Qur'an & supplicating for the deceased. 
  • There is also the transmitted tradition of instructing the dead.
  • For those who missed out on the Janazah prayer, they can perform it at the grave side after the formalities are completed.
  • Don't forget to say condolences to the family left behind before leaving the grave.

Obviously there are many transmitted traditions / hadiths on the funeral etiquettes, but in general it should involved behaving / dressing appropriately & supplicating for the deceased and those left behind. There should not be inter-mingling of the genders within the immediate vicinity of the grave side at least until the formalities are completed. Apart from the recitations of the Quranic verses & the supplications, no other speeches are allowed.

Allah s.w.t always knows best.